By Tenali Rama (Follow @IamTenaliRama)

The Union Home ministry has issued a new set of guidelines to traffic police through out the country. To be implemented with immediate effect, the cops are to be equipped with breath analysers that instead of checking for drunken driving, will check if they can smell onion in their breath. This is part of a plan devised to check black money in the system.

“This is a collaborative exercise between the traffic police and the Income Tax authorities. With onion prices hitting the roof, up to Rs 80/kg in some cities, we have thought of this novel plan to identify those with onions disproportionate to their known sources of income. Those caught by the Traffic cops will have to get their returns scrutinised by the I-T department,” an official of the Home ministry told Tenali Rama. 

The traffic cops will also carry body cameras on themselves. Senior ministry officials apprehend that onions are likely to be used to bribe traffic policemen during breath analyser tests. This, the ministry officials feel, will help peel off corruption from the system. 

Meanwhile Intel reports have indicated that taking advantage of the situation in India, Pakistan plans to clandestinely push poor quality onions into the market. Each Lashkar and Jaish jehadi has been tasked with carrying 20 kg each of Pakistani onions and infiltrate them into the subzi mandis in India. The Food ministry has issued a warning asking citizens to be careful pointing out that Pakistani onions produce more tears than the Indian onions.

With elections due in Maharashtra and Haryana, the Election Commission taking a cue from the Home ministry, is training its flying squads to detect bribing of voters with onions. 

(This is a work of satire)